Well, it has been 8 weeks since our little bundle of love made us a family of 5 and I have yet to sit down and write her birth story out. Each day I get really motivated to take the time and spell it all out, but in the daytime I am consumed by newborn cuddles and the chaos of now raising 3 little humans..... and at night, well, let's just say I am comatose as soon as I get all 3 girls asleep! So, no post about Caroline's birthday.... until today!
First, let me explain that exactly one of my three girls can claim an exciting and dramatic birth story. Caroline is not that little girl :)
Smooth. Easy. Caroline's actual birth was easy. Since I had an emergency C-Section with Ryan and a medically necessary C-Section with Olivia (I had placenta previa and the little stinker was breech), my doctor expressed concern about the potential for uterine rupture should I choose a VBAC. So my third C-Section was scheduled at my 24 week appointment and Nick and I chose August 19th as our baby's birthday.
Let me very clear that I am thankful every day for the 'Village' that God has blessed my family with. I do not know what Nick and I would do without the love and support of my parents and Nick's parents. Which was especially evident as we prepared for our third baby's arrival. On the night before our scheduled delivery date, my mother-in-law spent the night so that she could be with the girls while we went to the hospital. And my parents stayed with me throughout the entire procedure. For even though this was my 3rd C-Section delivery, it is still major abdominal surgery and quite nerve wracking, even for the most seasoned. I don't think I would have been nearly as composed if my parents had not been by my side.
So, bright and early on August 19th (5am to be exact), Nick and I drove to the hospital and casually checked into Labor and Delivery. It is quite surreal to look back on. No contractions, no pain, no chaos.... just butterflies of anticipation of meeting my new baby, and anxiety surrounding the pain I knew would ensue. Happy and joking, Nick and I walked back to pre-op hand in hand where I adorned myself in my beautiful delivery gown (eye roll), got hooked up to monitor the baby's heart rate, got my IV put in, as well as several other unmentionable preparations for surgery ;).
An inordinate number of doctors and nurses stopped by pre-op to chat about the procedure and every time someone stepped in, my heart rate spiked. Then, the overseeing surgical nurse came in, sent Nick to get dressed in scrubs and other sterile attire and told me it was time to have a baby.
She wheeled me into the BRIGHT WHITE operating room and I assumed my spot for the spinal morphine. A sharp pinch.... "Breath. Breath through it"-anesthesiologist..... warmth spread through my back and legs.... and then nothing. Completely numb.
And in come droves of people.
C-Section operating rooms are unexpectedly crowded. Two obstetricians (mine, who has been the lead surgeon and has delivered all 3 of my babies :) and an assisting obstetrician), two anesthesiologists, three surgical nurses, a pediatric physician and a pediatric nurse for the baby. And of course, here comes daddy-to be. I think to myself "Thank God he's finally here. I don't think I could keep going if he wasn't right by my side".
"Arms down on the armboards"
"Time for draping?"
"You're shaking, Would you like a warm blanket? Here...."
"Ok, here we go!"
I stared at the three large, round, bright, but very reflective lights hanging above me and take a deep breath as I see red show up. They had made the first incision and I wished I couldn't see what they were doing. The reflection in the lights was blurry but you could essentially see everything they were doing.
It seemed like an eternity passed. The doctors and Nick chatted and joked about the Olympics and the recent Ryan Lochte scandal (haha), but I was merely focused on trying to keep the anxiety I felt rising in my chest at bay and my arms from shaking off the operating table.
"Ok Tonya, lots of pressure" The anesthesiologist looked down at me and squeezed my hand.
Tugging. Lots of it. and pulling. and jostling.
"Breath, breath through it, Tonya"
More pressure.
Nick looked at me and whispered "Here she comes!!!!!!!"
And then the pressure released and I heard a very very loud little cry. Music to my ears and I felt tears spring to my eyes. She's here. and she's crying.
"Time? 8:03am" announced my doctor.
I instantly fell even more in love as they brought her around the drape and showed her to me. I rubbed her leg, bloody and wet as it was, it was so soft and I resisted the urge to grab her to me.
They took her away to clean her up and Nick went with her, reporting the whole time.
"6lbs 8oz!" he announced. "19.5 inches long! She's so big compared to our other babies!"
After what also felt like an eternity, Nick brought my new, sweet little baby girl around the drape and placed her in my arms. I have had 3 babies within the course of 3 and half years, and had a C-Section as recently as 2 years ago, but even within that short period of time, things had changed in the practice of post C-Section delivery. When I had changed into my hospital gown, they gave me a mesh "tube top" to wear underneath for skin-to-skin time while the operation was still in progress. So the nurse helped me pull my hospital gown down enough to expose the "tube top" and placed my new baby directly on my chest. It was heaven. After 3 babies, I know how important that skin-to-skin contact is after delivery and it was something I had always been sad that I couldn't do with my other 2 babies. This? this was magical.
But the dream didn't last very long. The pediatric doctor and nurse hovered over me as I held my baby and quickly grabbed her from me and whisked her away. After a few more minutes (I'm still laying on operating able being put back together), they brought her back to me, but more hovering by the pediatric delivery team. They grabbed her back again and said "three strikes, time for the NICU".
WHAT?!
The pediatric physician came over and explained that little Caroline kept "losing her color" and they had been administering oxygen each time they took her away from me, but they wanted to get more consistent oxygen on her and monitor her vitals for a little while.
So that meant they wouldn't be bringing my baby to me in post-op right away? I was crushed and terrified for my little love.
Off she went. And Nick with her.
Another eternity passed. Seriously though, An eternity as I lay there without my husband or baby. Surrounded by doctors and nurses continuing their small talk, but not participating whatsoever. Trying to keep my anxiety down. Again. I was prepared for this level of loneliness after the baby was born. It happens after every C-Section. But it didn't make it any easier.
All done and sewn up. The nurse wheels me back to post-op and so much of this time becomes a blur. Just like it did with my first 2 deliveries. My parents come back to check on me and I am covered in wires and monitors. Nick comes back and tells me Caroline is doing ok and should be able to come back to me within an hour or two. I distantly hear the voices of my other two little girls, asking for a chance to see the baby.
Water. I need water, I thought. It consumed me but the nurses only gave me a sip or two because of the surgical aftermath on my body.
I dozed for a little while as my vitals were checked and re-checked. And then I wheels coming down the hallway. They had brought me my baby.
Heaven again. And I immediately initiated an attempt to nurse her. A natural bonding between her and I. Apparently she came out hungry and had been sucking on a paci fiercely. She had to learn how to nurse and I had to re-learn, but I was so elated to be holding my baby that I forget everything else.
The nurse wheeled me out of post-op and into the 'Mommy and Baby ward' where we would spend the next 4 days. I remember watching Nick wheel my sweet Caroline in her basinet down the hallway, just ahead of me in my hospital bed.
I felt wonderful. The morphine was still in my veins and there was no pain. I had a sense of euphoria for the next 24 hours as I remained highly medicated and had absolutely nothing to do except get lost in newborn bliss. The nurses came by to check vitals, check my bleeding and incision, massage my abdomen (which didn't hurt nearly as bad this time around as it had when I delivered Ryan), and to give me meds. Nick stayed by my side and we spent the next 6 hours alone with our new baby.
Then the visitors started. My parents first to meet their new granddaughter. Then the girls came in and were instantly enamored with their new baby sister. It made my heart explode as I watched Nick place our tiny baby in my daughters' arms for the first time. There they were. My three baby girls. I could barely contain the love I felt in that moment.
How different it was to watch this firt meeting than it had been when Ryan met Olivia for the first time. Ryan had only been 17 months old when I had Olivia and held very little interest in her new sister. But this? This was amazing. Both girls wanted to hold and sing to their new baby and my mother's heart drank in this beautiful sight.
Then my in-laws arrived and greeted their new granddaughter. And then friends and family. I know some people don't enjoy visitors so soon after they deliver, but I relished in the love and support I felt as each person walked through the door.
As I said, the first day was easy and pain free. And while I remained highly medicated the entire time I was in the hospital, nothing (not even oral narcotics) compares to spinal morphine. So once that wore off, I kept a close eye on the clock to make sure I was taking my meds on time, because if even a few minutes late, the pain was excruciating. Like I knew it would be. The memory of that pain definitely blurs as time passes, which is way I try to describe it here to remind myself (lest I get tempted to have another... which is not completely ruled out, but after this tumultuous recovery.... we'll see). Stabbing, searing pain. And I pushed myself too hard when medicated so healing was prolonged and agonizing. But I will document my post-partum struggles more specifically in a separate post. It's been a rough recovery so it deserves its own post.
For now, that is how our tiny Caroline James came into this world and has been the sweetest little blessing ever since. We have been smitten with this little angel and thank God every day He chose us to be her keepers.
